Daddy's Little Girl

We are approaching the first anniversary of the death of the most important man in my life. My father. In the past 3 weeks, I have relived every moment from 12 months ago - from the day we found out that he had cancer (January 17th 2006) through the day he died (February 6th 2006) 2 days after his 55th birthday and 6 days before my 33rd birthday. It was the worst 3 weeks of my life. There is nothing more horrible than watching the man who took care of you, taught you to swim, consoled you when you were sad, dried your tears, and gave you piggy back rides, lay in bed and slowly, painfully die.

My father was not a perfect man. In fact he had many imperfections, but he was there. During his memorial service I pulled myself together long enough to say a few words, because I needed people to know what a good father he was. He was always home. He was hilarious. Every time I saw him he would say to me "Do you know your Daddy loves you". His family came first. He believed in his daughters and he raised them to be strong black women.

He loved his grandchildren. My daughter was born two months premature and had to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks before they let her come home. He was there with me every day visiting her. He would sing to her every day. He loved taking my nephews to the Redskins Fan Day. He would pick out little girly gifts for my daughter - play shoes, purses, sunglasses, jewelry. He took his role as Granddaddy very seriously!

When I was 17 he taught me how to drive - on the interstate! I would have preferred side streets, but still he taught me. He took me to the beach and let the waves knock me down, but he never let go of my hand. He took my sister and me to the toy store at the start of each summer and let us pick out water guns. He would get one too and any time my mother left the house the water gun fight was on!

When I was 14 he told me that men only wanted one thing from women and when I asked him if that was all he wanted from mom when he met her, he answered honestly - YES! He told me stories about his life. He told me to go to college if I wanted to be successful. He told me I should be a writer. He told me that we should write a book together. And right before he died he told me that he loved me, that I was a good daughter and that he was proud to be my father.

I am married now. He was not there to give me away. But he left his two best friends for me. Two men who have known him since childhood and have known me since I was conceived. One of them is my godfather, the other is too, but doesn't hold the official title. One walked me down the aisle and told me jokes along the way to make sure I was smiling in my wedding pictures. The other did the father/daughter dance with me and promised me he would not cry because my father would have been proud. He told me to smile because I looked beautiful and my father could see me.

I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I am not an easy woman to live with, but he puts up with all my craziness and loves me anyway. But in the back of my mind I know that no man could ever love me the way my father did. No man could ever give me that feeling that I would get when I saw my Daddy. I felt like I was 5 years old whenever I saw him. I remember when we were kids and he would come home from work my mother, sister and I would all run to the door shouting "Daddy's home!! Daddy's home" and he would kiss my mother and then my sister and I would sit on his feet and he would walk us around the house until his legs hurt. I miss that, and somehow I don't think my husband would let me do it (smile).

There were times when I was angry with him and through my later teenage years, I went beyond anger to disrespectful. I thought that I hated him. But as I became a woman and realized that no one is perfect - not even Daddy, I let go of the anger and I grew to love him even more. Knowing that he would always be there was comforting. Knowing that he was the type of father who could talk me through my tears and my fears as a young woman was phenomenal. I miss him terribly and my life will never be the same. I want to talk to him again- sometimes I do... Daddy if you are listening I just want to say...

"Do you know your daughter loves you!"