I Am Changing...

It's been 11 months since I have posted to this blog. 11 months of trying to figure out who I am, where I am going and what the hell I want. I am sad to say that I still don't have the answers, but I am changing.

I have been unhappy in my job for the last year. I love what I do, but I had set and lived up to unreasonable expectations which left me feeling like I had to do it all and I had to do it alone. I let my boss infringe on my personal time to the point that it caused problems at home... all in the name of my career. It took a lot of time, disappointment, anger, frustration, and goading from friends to realize that this job just wasn't worth it. So I quit my job and started a new one. I have only been at the new job for 3 weeks and I am bored to death because I am so used to having too much to do that having a job with reasonable expectations is foreign to me, but I am changing.

I suffered a miscarriage last spring. It was a surprise pregnancy but the miscarriage hurt me just the same. I told myself I wasn't sure I wanted another child, but in reality it was the assumption that my husband felt we should stick with the one we had (he has 2 others from previous relationships). I recently admitted to myself that I really do want another baby. The knowledge that time is running out - I am 35 already - made me realize that I could not waiver on this. If this is what I really want, then I should be able to articulate that to my husband and discuss our options. We have discussed it and we both want to try again - his reasons for not wanting another were strictly financial, but he surprised me by stating what I was thinking - "You only have one child and if you want us to have another we should do it... I hope we have a boy" We got an ovulation detector and he actually asked me to tell him how it works so we could do it together. Only one of us ovulates, so I am not sure what together means, but I was pleased and surprised by his interest. I am really glad that we made this decision together. I usually make decisions for both us without his input, but I am changing.

I have spent a lot of time and money over the past few years trying to help out family members. I know that when I was struggling financially I had people to help me out on more than one occasion, but I did learn to stand on my own two feet. I am finding out that not everyone learns that lesson. If you continuously take care of adults, they will never learn to stand on their own. I don't want to see anyone out on the street, but I don't want to be tempted to claim them on my taxes as dependents either. I have finally put my foot down on this one. The money train ends here, because I am changing.

It's hard for me to admit to anyone when I feel weak or unsure - like everyday. I want to be the strong black woman that my mother raised me to be. Everyday I struggle with my insecurities and do my damnedest to hide them. I finally realized that the person I am hiding them from is me. How can I ever face my fears if I won't even admit that I am afraid. I am admitting it now. I am afraid of failure, poverty, loneliness, death, foreclosure, infertility, divorce, bad parenting, weight gain, and other people's perceptions of me, but... I am changing.

I want peace, happiness, balance and honesty in my life and I am going to work to achieve that. Wish me luck!