I Am Changing...

It's been 11 months since I have posted to this blog. 11 months of trying to figure out who I am, where I am going and what the hell I want. I am sad to say that I still don't have the answers, but I am changing.

I have been unhappy in my job for the last year. I love what I do, but I had set and lived up to unreasonable expectations which left me feeling like I had to do it all and I had to do it alone. I let my boss infringe on my personal time to the point that it caused problems at home... all in the name of my career. It took a lot of time, disappointment, anger, frustration, and goading from friends to realize that this job just wasn't worth it. So I quit my job and started a new one. I have only been at the new job for 3 weeks and I am bored to death because I am so used to having too much to do that having a job with reasonable expectations is foreign to me, but I am changing.

I suffered a miscarriage last spring. It was a surprise pregnancy but the miscarriage hurt me just the same. I told myself I wasn't sure I wanted another child, but in reality it was the assumption that my husband felt we should stick with the one we had (he has 2 others from previous relationships). I recently admitted to myself that I really do want another baby. The knowledge that time is running out - I am 35 already - made me realize that I could not waiver on this. If this is what I really want, then I should be able to articulate that to my husband and discuss our options. We have discussed it and we both want to try again - his reasons for not wanting another were strictly financial, but he surprised me by stating what I was thinking - "You only have one child and if you want us to have another we should do it... I hope we have a boy" We got an ovulation detector and he actually asked me to tell him how it works so we could do it together. Only one of us ovulates, so I am not sure what together means, but I was pleased and surprised by his interest. I am really glad that we made this decision together. I usually make decisions for both us without his input, but I am changing.

I have spent a lot of time and money over the past few years trying to help out family members. I know that when I was struggling financially I had people to help me out on more than one occasion, but I did learn to stand on my own two feet. I am finding out that not everyone learns that lesson. If you continuously take care of adults, they will never learn to stand on their own. I don't want to see anyone out on the street, but I don't want to be tempted to claim them on my taxes as dependents either. I have finally put my foot down on this one. The money train ends here, because I am changing.

It's hard for me to admit to anyone when I feel weak or unsure - like everyday. I want to be the strong black woman that my mother raised me to be. Everyday I struggle with my insecurities and do my damnedest to hide them. I finally realized that the person I am hiding them from is me. How can I ever face my fears if I won't even admit that I am afraid. I am admitting it now. I am afraid of failure, poverty, loneliness, death, foreclosure, infertility, divorce, bad parenting, weight gain, and other people's perceptions of me, but... I am changing.

I want peace, happiness, balance and honesty in my life and I am going to work to achieve that. Wish me luck!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

As I mention in my profile, I am trying to sleep in the bed I made. To me this means learning how to handle each moment as it comes and still maintain my sanity. I want to embrace my life "the good the bad and the ugly" So here it is:

THE GOOD: I was in a position to be able to buy all new appliances for my kitchen which is something I have wanted since the day I bought the house and it was pretty much THE MOST exciting thing going on in my life at that moment so I was feeling pretty good.

THE BAD: Considering that we have been trying to be more financially responsible, I was a little nervous about spending the money on appliances when the ones I have (though more than 20 years old) did actually work.

THE UGLY:

The Stove was beautiful and we spent a lovely night together.

The Dishwasher was wonderful and I pushed it's buttons with pure passion

But the Refrigerator... OMG the REFRIGERATOR....

DID NOT FUCKING FIT!!!!!!!

That's right people IT DID NOT FUCKING FIT...

Do you know what that's like??? It's like a night of great sex during which he calls you the wrong name - not that I have ever experienced this - I'm just giving an example.

So you might ask... why didn't you measure? WE DID...the husband and I both measured, but what we did not account for was getting past the window sill and the cabinet top---I know it's hard to picture but rest assured IT DID NOT FIT

So there it is... the story of my life. I am SOOO Pissed!... Yet oddly still turned on?!??!!?

What Happened? & Sexy Appliances

Is today really the first day of the rest of my life or is it just the last day of my old life? As each day goes buy I find myself feeling older and older. Today is a perfect example. Today is the first last day of school for my six year old. She just finished kindergarten and she is truly excited that it's the last day of school and she gets to sleep late tomorrow and start summer camp next week. She talked to my husband and I about it last night at length, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

I said to my husband "I really miss the last day of school." I remember each last day as if it were yesterday. The plans I would make for the summer. Skipping home from school like I had just been released from prison. Knowing that I could spend the next day hanging out at the pool and there would be no test and no homework. The feeling of freedom when I got up the next morning. Damn I miss those summers. It's enought to make me consider changing professions and becoming a teacher just to have the summer off. But then I remember that I really don't like other people's children (my godchildren excluded of course).

So where did the time go. How did I get to be this 34 year old stick in the mud who has to set bed times, check homework and remind (nag) the husband to take the garbage out and cut the grass. My aging is bringing me down. Yesterday I bought all new appliances for my kitchen. I was so excited it was almost sexual. I had a cigarette as I basked in the afterglow of my purchase. The new flat top electric stove, double door refrigerator and digital display dishwasher are so sexy. They will be delivered tomorrow, and I am thinking about finding a sitter for my daughter so that I can be alone with them when they arrive.

Since when are applicances exciting. There was a time when I would have taken that money and blown it on a new wardrobe of tight, slinky, short clothes or I would have hopped on a plane and gone to the Bahamas but all I could think about was the new appliances. When did my life become so mundane. The only thing that makes it better is knowing that my sister has it worse then me. She recently bought a new refrigerator and stunned the salesman by hugging it before she left the store to wait for it to be delivered. I will NOT hug the new appliances - - but I might give them head!

Better to Have Loved and Lost...

I decided today that this is a STUPID quote and whoever wrote it is an ass. This quote is obviously in reference to being in love. But for some reason it came to mind this morning. I have experienced a horrible week and a terrible loss.

For the 1.5 people that read my blog, I recently posted that I was surprised to find myself pregnant. While I was shocked, I was also excited, yet very nervous. Well last week I found myself no longer pregnant. After 11 weeks of pregnancy and having seen the heart beat of this child to be, there was no longer one there.

It hurt. I hurt. The actual miscarriage was very painful. The D and C afterward was even more painful. But mentally I felt okay. I said to myself that it wasn't meant to be. That this was God's way of telling me that this wasn't a healthy pregnancy. That we couldn't afford a baby anyway. I spent 3 days telling myself these "truths" which were really lies that I was telling myself so that I would feel better.

It took about 3 days for my mind to catch up with my body. All of the sudden I could not stop thinking about it and it seemed that every where I looked there were babies and pregnant women. On TV, at the mall, in the street. I even had a cousin call to tell me that his wife was expecting twins and they just found out the sex (a boy and a girl). I told him how happy I was for him (and I am) but on the inside I was screaming WHY ME???? WHY WHY WHY??? Why the fuck do I deserve this? I did not get an answer. I suppose because there is no answer. I just have to suck it up and move on.

I had not told many people. Ironically we were planning to tell people this week as I would have been starting the second trimester (at which point the risk of miscarriage is drastically reduced). I am really glad that we did not tell the kid. She wants to be a big sister. Actually she really wants a twin sister and I have tried to tell her that ship has sailed but she still has hope. She would have been heartbroken, and right now her little smile is the only thing I can hold on to.

The husband's reaction was surprising. He was upset, and tried to be comforting, but the bottom line is that he wants to try again - not that we were trying the first time. I don't know if I can. It's certainly too soon to try again, especially since the last words of the recovery room nurse were "nothing and no one goes in there for six weeks." For some reason when she said this I laughed hysterically - it was probably the anesthesia.

Yesterday I felt like I could move on. Today I am not so sure. Let's see what tomorrow brings and in the mean time I will try to sleep in the bed I made.

Tag... You're It!

I was tagged by Lex...I think it was just to force me to do a current post!

Alphabet Scoop Meme~courtesy of Macarena

Available or single: Newlywed

Best friend: L and A – they know who they are

Cake or pie: Cake – preferable with chocolate icing

Drink of choice: Kahlua and half and half – could there BE anymore calories????

Essential item: lip liner

Favorite color: Blue

Gummi Bears or Worms: YUCK!!!

Hometown: Washington, DC.

Indulgence: Amazon.com

January or February: February – It’s my birth month

Kids: 1 and three ninths

Life is incomplete without: Mind Blowing Sex

Marriage date: October 29th

Number of siblings: One

Oranges or apples: Oranges

Phobias/fears: Bugs of any kind, being alone in the dark

Quote, favorite: If you always do what you’ve always done, then you will always get what you always got.

Reasons to smile: The kid…she makes me warm and fuzzy even on my worst days.

Season: Spring

Tag three: I don’t think anyone reads me regularly but here goes… Mist, Crankster, Spoon.

Unknown fact about me: I cannot whistle

Vegetarian or oppressor of animals: Carnivore

Worst habit: Snorting when I laugh really hard

X-rays or ultrasounds: Ultrasounds… nothing like that heartbeat to make you glad you gave up drinking!

Your favorite foods: Anything I did not have to cook.

Zodiac: Aquarius

Kid's Say the Darndest Things

I think I love my daughter...

She is more like me than I ever could have imagined which is a really bitter pill to swallow. Lately she's become obsessed with my weight. Being a plus sized woman I would not say that I obsess about it, I just think about it all the time. I also find that she tries to use it against me.

We sat together the other night eating girl scout cookies. I know I should not buy them, but there they were (the girl scout cult) outside of the grocery store accosting people like drug pushers..."We got thin mints lady, c'mon you know you want some...how about a few trefoil chasers... c'mon a lady your size...you know you want them" I bought 18 boxes... not really just 3.

So there we were eating girl scout cookies and I told her that she'd had enough and then I popped another in my mouth. She was really pissed that I would not let her eat anymore and so she says to me " Mommy, if you keep eating those cookies you are going to get soooooooo biiiiiiig"

I will admit that my feelings were hurt. So I did what any woman would do--I finished the box! It was almost as bad as the time she said to me "Mommy when are you going to stop eating sweets so you can go back to your regular size." I informed her that this IS my regular size and that hosting a parasite in my body for 9 months was part of the problem (okay 7 months - I am lazy and she was a preemie)

I think my favorite thing that she has said so far was to my mother. She spent the weekend with my mom a while back and after my mom bathed her she said "Grandma I will help you take a bath too, but I am NOT washing your vagina!"

How can you not love this kid!

The Rabbit Died

I always wondered what a rabbit had to do with pregnancy. I think I was maybe 20 before I found out that they used to perform a test using the appendix of a rabbit to determine if a woman was pregnant. I cannot assure you of the validity of this information as I believe I learned this little tidbit on an episode of MASH. You know the one... Hot Lips thinks she's pregnant by Lt Col Penobscott so they need the appendix of Radar's pet rabbit and Hawkeye performs an appendectomy on the rabbit so they won't have to kill it.... Anyway, it sure makes me grateful for the whole pee on a stick thing.

I peed on a stick yesterday. Two pink lines showed up. So I dragged my six year old to the grocery store in the pouring rain and bought two new sticks. I peed on the first one. Two pink lines showed up. I paced the room for about 45 minutes before my husband got home. I told him about the sticks. He smiled and laughed. I went to the bathroom and peed on the second new stick. Two pink lines showed up. Did you know that frequent urination is a sign of pregnancy? Apparently another sign is three positive pregnancy tests. I learned this yesterday.