Virginity - BE GONE!
Yesterday my husband came home from work in quite a state. Instead of greeting me with a kiss and a "How was your day?" I got a very curt "Fix me a drink please". So I'm thinking, Wow he must have had a really bad day at work. Being the "doting wife" that I am (stop laughing those of you that know me personally) I asked him what was wrong. He tells me that he got a phone call from his Ex that their daughter was no longer a virgin! GASP!!! - the world stops spinning, birds become flightless and life as we know it is coming to an end!My stepdaughter is almost 16 years old and this is not 1952, so I assumed that this event was on the horizon. My husband is heartbroken and looks as if someone just kicked him in the nuts. So I asked the requisite when and where and how does her mom feel about it. We discussed it for at least an hour and he is just sitting there looking defeated and almost like he wanted to cry.
I know how men feel about their daughters especially when it comes to their daughters and sex. The bottom line is that if they really want to do it, there is nothing we can do to stop them. But we to have to arm them with all the information we can and hope that they wait. Realistically, kids today are bombarded with sexual images all day everyday from the revealing clothes kids wear to music videos, television, movies, magazines... you name it and in today's world there is some sexual content to it. While there may be some kids who will abstain, the majority of them will not, and the safest assumption for parents is that their kid will be one of the kids that will not.What do you do about? Well, being the parent of a 6 year old, I already have my plan laid out. She can stay in after care until she is 12. When she starts middle school - in six years - I already have an agreement in place with my boss that I can take my lunch hour at 2pm, pick her up from school and bring her back to work with me until it's time to go home. We will continue this agreement until she finishes high school. There will be no dating, concerts, sleep overs or any activities other than school that allow her to be out of my sight for longer than 2.5 minutes. Once she goes to college the plan becomes a little tricky. I currently have in development a Vagina tracking system complete with chastity belt and an alarm system that includes sharp needles should there be any unauthorized entry. You can get in on this now parents of girls...it will work! I know it will!!
In reality, even if all of my plans worked out, she will still have sex before I think she is ready. The only thing I can do is be as honest and informative as possible and create an environment where she feels comfortable discussing anything with me. My parents were very open and honest with me about their thoughts on sex and when I decided I was ready to be on the pill my mother took me to get it. When I was 17, my parents went off on an overnight trip and my father laid down the law to me and my boyfriend about him not being there while they were not home. His final words to my boyfriend were "Don't make anything in here that you can't eat" In the interest of protecting my spotless reputation (HA HA HA) I won't discuss what went on while they were gone - but we didn't do a whole lot of cooking!
I have known my stepdaughter since she was 5 years old, and we have a good relationship. So asked my husband if he wanted me to talk to her and he said that I should, but that he would talk to her first. So what should I say?? THE TRUTH. Sex is good when it's between two responsible adults who love and respect each other (I will leave out the part about picking up hot guys at the club for a one night stand - with protection of course) But I think that my conversation with her will have a lot more to do with the consequences of sex rather than the actual act.
Yes she needs to know about unplanned pregnancies, and STDs but I want her to know about how it can impact her future. I want her to know how being irresponsible about sex now could make the difference between going to college and a career flipping burgers. I want her to know about the emotional impact of sex. That there are guys out there who will say anything to get you in bed and that a marriage proposal or declaration of love during the act is often meaningless once the deed is done. So, parents of teenage girls, I invite you to share with me your thoughts on talking to teenagers about sex.
posted by SBW in MD @ 12:32 PM
14 Comments:
You can always hope your own words don't come back to haunt you....
"It's a personal decision that no one should be allowed to make for me. Don't put me in a box and force me to do something I don't want to do."
That quote is alarming. As for the rest of what you said...
"Don't force a child to be born to parents that don't love or want it. Don't force a child into a life of foster care."
People who oppose abortion aren't the ones forcing a baby into the wombs of innocent women who don't want children. Those "innocent women" need to once and for all get real and quit playing the unsuspecting victim.
I think your husband has every right to be upset. She's still a child. She has no business raising a child or aborting a child and that's exactly where's she's headed. Let him be upset. He's absolutely right.
Support him. Find out why your step-daughter is running into the arms of a boy who will likely toss her away tomorrow. Attempt to spare her that pain, and figure out how to keep your own daughter from falling into that same trap. Be a parent, not a friend.
Anonymous - Interesting that you should connect the two thoughts. I stand by both. Yes she is a child, but at the same time she is a person with free will and thoughts and emotions and urges.
I think teenagers should NOT be having sex, but if they do have sex and become pregnant, and decide that they do not want a child, I would support an abortion. There would be a discussion about the seriousness of an abortion, but to force a child to have a child because they made the mistake of having sex before they were ready would be an even bigger mistake. The kind of mistake that could lead to yet another life being ruined. I have seen first hand what can happen to children who are born to parents that don't want them and it ain't pretty.
When my little sister was about twelve or so, I asked her if she knew how babies are made. She proceeded to give me a very clinical dissertation on sex. I responded "okay, smartass--do you know what foreplay is?"
I ended up giving her copies of Our Bodies, Ourselves and Dr. Ruth's Sex for Dummies. I also talked with her--incessantly--about her relationships, etc. I think, for me at least, the key was raising my sister to make mature, intelligent choices, and then trusting her to do so.
And then, of course, letting her know that I'd be there to catch her when she didn't.
Crankster - Thanks for your comment. Some folks think that just telling kids not to do it makes you a parent. I believe the quote was "be a parent not a friend".
We are parenting in a VERY different world than that of our own parents and while there are parents out there that are more interested in their kids liking them than they are in laying down rules and setting boundaries, I think it is of the utmost importance that an open dialogue is available between parent and child. I think that can be accomplished while still maintaining an authoritative role with your kids.
Most parents want to tell their children things that will spare them the heartache that they themselves have experienced. We must remember that it is those heartaches that make us stronger and smarter and able to make better decisions down the line. Kids don't just mindlessly do what they are told these days. I need for my kids (step or not) to feel comfortable enough to tell me about their mistakes so that I can help them make better choices in the future. There are so many influences in a child's life--not just that of their parents so we need to be prepared to help them with anything and everything that they may encounter - including teenage sex.
It's amazing that parents so often know these days when their children are becoming sexually active. That's what amazes me. I laughed at your plan for the Vagina Tracking System. Try making a late-night infomercial for that!
Wow, that would definitely knock a dad in his nuts to find this out.
I'm curious if she is in a committed relationship? As committed as 16 year olds can be. Very thought-provoking post, and how timely that over at Manic Mom's I was just discussing sex with my 9 year old son.
Never too early, and I want to keep the lines of communication open so, like your step-daughter, they can feel comfortable talking with us about it.
I currently have in development a Vagina tracking system
This had me laughing out loud! My wife and I don't have kids, so we don't have to think about this stuff. But we were eating in Atlanta Bread yesterday, watching this young father (perhaps not yet 30) waiting on his three beautiful daughters (probably aged 1, 2 and 3). He didn't get to eat until they were all settled in, about 20 minutes after they got their food.
I commented to my wife that while they were behaving very well then (and surprisingly they were), he was going to have his hands full in 15 years.
Is he ever! Remember, it could always be worse! :)
Firstly, I agree wholeheartedly about the open lines of communication. My mother told me all about sex; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was around the same age as your stepdaughter when I first had sex and trust me I was prepared, I had condoms, spermicide, and a sponge. My mother was far from happy about it, but she never cut me off and she always left the door open for me to talk to her about everything. Her opinion "I would rather you get the truth from me than fall for a lie from a guy or listen to your ignorant friends". It worked, I was 32 before I got pregnant, I have never had a disease nor a one night stand.
Secondly, my daughter is only 3 but please keep me posted on the Vagina Tracking System, I want to be the first customer.
I would also like to know about the Vagina Tracking System!!! I'd like to order a case...one for each daughter and a whole bunch for the girls my son chooses to date!
Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog! I appreciate your prayers for my little one! And I'm totally on board with you starting a nasty chain mail letter! Yes! :D
As the mother of three boys I am already feeling guilty. Trust me when I say that I am instilling into their heads from the beginning what their actions can produce. I promise to make them as responsible as I can.
Hormones...a parent's kryptonite.
I think your take on the information sharing is the best policy. Open, honest diaglogue benefits everyone.
Jocelyn - I am working on the infomercial script as we speak, now if only I could find an unsuspecting couple to model it...
Dan - I love to see a dad out with his kids - it's really heartwarming.
Manic Mom - She is in a relationship and both parents have met the boy. Committed?? I will try not to laugh at that one!
Tanique - it's great to have a parent you can talk to. I think it's the reason why my mom and I are still close now. I talk to her everyday and still ask her advice.
As for the VTS (Vagina Tracking System) I will hold one for you and a case for Girl in her Underwear completey free of charge --now ladies...about that model I need for my infomercial...
Mamma - I applaud you for raising responsible boys. There are people who believe that it's only the girls responsibility but the guys need to step up and be held accountable too.
All - Here's to having open and honest YET authoritative relationships with our kids..everybody wins!
I'm not a mom, so I can't comment from that perspective. But I was a teenage girl with parents. My mom started talking to my brother and I about sex very early on. I remember books like, Where Did I Come From?, What's Happening to Me?, Period, Are You there God It's Me Margaret?...I'm sure you remember them all.
My mom was very open with me about sex and didn't bury her head in the sand and assume I wouldn't do anything. The truth is that I didn't "technically" lose my virginity until I was 20. I could have chosen to lose it much earlier...or later. I applaud you in your level-headedness about this. Parents can guide their children, but they can't control them. They can equip them to make good choices. We all make regrettable ones from time to time. The first commenter (and his/her children) are no exception to this.
We live in a world in which making choices about our sexuality can cost us our lives. Parents can't afford to be idealistic about it. It really can be a life and death situation.
Poor Dad. I can imagine what he feels. 16 yo is lucky to have so many parents who care so much. I think you're right on about this.
Lex - Thanks for your input.
Are you there God it's me Margaret??? I used to love that book..."We must, We must, We must increase our bust". It's a must read for every teenage girl. Incidently, although the kid is only 6, I saw Deanie on Amazon so I felt a need to buy it. Will I know where it is when she's old enough to read it? Probably not.
My daughter's 10. I a talking honestly about everything with her in bite-size pieces. I also want in on that contraption you're inventing.
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