Overcompensating??

Last January I resolved that I would not over do it this christmas. I have one child at home and a stepchild that does not live with us. Typically we give my stepdaughter money and gift cards. She's 15 and at that age where anything we pick would be met with polite, badly disguised, disdain at our total "uncoolness". I usually start my Christmas shopping in October. I'm big on Amazon shopping because I have faced the fact that I don't event get time alone to use the bathroom let alone spend a leisurely hour alone at the mall. So Amazon it is!

Last Christmas I did my normal Amazon spree and a few days before Christmas I had an unheard of 2 hours alone in the house so I decided it would be a good time to wrap presents. I began pulling the boxes out of not one, not two, but the three closets I had stuffed them in. After I had everything out, I surveyed the damage and realized that I had completely lost my mind. What 5 year old needs this much crap?? My living room was a sea of books, barbies, crayons, coloring books, barbie clothes, not to mention Barbie's Personal PT Cruiser.... you get the idea. I had to take 3 pictures of the Christmas tree just to capture all of the stuff, and to remind myself not to do it again.

So yesterday I got my annual 2 hours alone in the house so I decide to get some presents wrapped. And while I did manage to narrow it down to one closet this year, it's a much bigger closet, I have a huge box in the trunk of my best friend's car and I am expecting another box sometime this week. And yes, once again I totally over did it. This year Barbie is no longer in--It's all about the BRATZ. I am sure you have seen these Barbie whores with the pouty lips and lip liner and the short skirts, and tight t-shirts and the "come f### me" pumps. And the fact that their feet come off is just DISTURBING! I have tried to resist buying them for the last 2 years but she just loves these dolls it's all she talks about...so this year bought them. In my weak defense, I would like to point out that the first two Bratz actually came from her grandmother.

I am beginning to wonder if there is a deeper meaning behind this lack of control. I am a working mom, so Monday through Friday my child is in the care of others from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. Once we get home, it's dinner, homework, bath, and hair - not necessarily in that order. So while we do have some mommy and me time, it's not of the quality or quantity that I had imagined myself giving when being a mom was "just an idea in my head". Am I buying her things to make up for the time we don't get to spend together? Am I trying to buy away my guilt?

Or is it even more deep seated. We were really poor growing up and while we always received Christmas presents, it was usually only one or two things and hardly ever what we had actually asked for. As an adult I realize that the one or two presents that we got were a struggle for my parents, and so I truly appreciate them, but am I trying to make up for what I missed by spoiling my daughter rotten?

It's been really hard for me to strike the balance between providing and spoiling. I want my daughter to have not only everything she wants, but also everything I wanted when I was her age and I know that I am creating a monster. At this rate, she will be driving a porshe for her 16th birthday! NOT!

So the answer is - no more Amazon. Next year I am not doing any christmas shopping until December and I will do it all at once, in a mall like normal people! This year...I'm just going to try and sleep in the bed I made.