Trying to Sleep in the Bed I Made

I Am Changing...

2008-05-07T12:17:00.009-05:00

It's been 11 months since I have posted to this blog. 11 months of trying to figure out who I am, where I am going and what the hell I want. I am sad to say that I still don't have the answers, but I am changing.

I have been unhappy in my job for the last year. I love what I do, but I had set and lived up to unreasonable expectations which left me feeling like I had to do it all and I had to do it alone. I let my boss infringe on my personal time to the point that it caused problems at home... all in the name of my career. It took a lot of time, disappointment, anger, frustration, and goading from friends to realize that this job just wasn't worth it. So I quit my job and started a new one. I have only been at the new job for 3 weeks and I am bored to death because I am so used to having too much to do that having a job with reasonable expectations is foreign to me, but I am changing.

I suffered a miscarriage last spring. It was a surprise pregnancy but the miscarriage hurt me just the same. I told myself I wasn't sure I wanted another child, but in reality it was the assumption that my husband felt we should stick with the one we had (he has 2 others from previous relationships). I recently admitted to myself that I really do want another baby. The knowledge that time is running out - I am 35 already - made me realize that I could not waiver on this. If this is what I really want, then I should be able to articulate that to my husband and discuss our options. We have discussed it and we both want to try again - his reasons for not wanting another were strictly financial, but he surprised me by stating what I was thinking - "You only have one child and if you want us to have another we should do it... I hope we have a boy" We got an ovulation detector and he actually asked me to tell him how it works so we could do it together. Only one of us ovulates, so I am not sure what together means, but I was pleased and surprised by his interest. I am really glad that we made this decision together. I usually make decisions for both us without his input, but I am changing.

I have spent a lot of time and money over the past few years trying to help out family members. I know that when I was struggling financially I had people to help me out on more than one occasion, but I did learn to stand on my own two feet. I am finding out that not everyone learns that lesson. If you continuously take care of adults, they will never learn to stand on their own. I don't want to see anyone out on the street, but I don't want to be tempted to claim them on my taxes as dependents either. I have finally put my foot down on this one. The money train ends here, because I am changing.

It's hard for me to admit to anyone when I feel weak or unsure - like everyday. I want to be the strong black woman that my mother raised me to be. Everyday I struggle with my insecurities and do my damnedest to hide them. I finally realized that the person I am hiding them from is me. How can I ever face my fears if I won't even admit that I am afraid. I am admitting it now. I am afraid of failure, poverty, loneliness, death, foreclosure, infertility, divorce, bad parenting, weight gain, and other people's perceptions of me, but... I am changing.

I want peace, happiness, balance and honesty in my life and I am going to work to achieve that. Wish me luck!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2007-06-15T21:38:00.000-05:00

As I mention in my profile, I am trying to sleep in the bed I made. To me this means learning how to handle each moment as it comes and still maintain my sanity. I want to embrace my life "the good the bad and the ugly" So here it is:

THE GOOD: I was in a position to be able to buy all new appliances for my kitchen which is something I have wanted since the day I bought the house and it was pretty much THE MOST exciting thing going on in my life at that moment so I was feeling pretty good.

THE BAD: Considering that we have been trying to be more financially responsible, I was a little nervous about spending the money on appliances when the ones I have (though more than 20 years old) did actually work.

THE UGLY:

The Stove was beautiful and we spent a lovely night together.

The Dishwasher was wonderful and I pushed it's buttons with pure passion

But the Refrigerator... OMG the REFRIGERATOR....

DID NOT FUCKING FIT!!!!!!!

That's right people IT DID NOT FUCKING FIT...

Do you know what that's like??? It's like a night of great sex during which he calls you the wrong name - not that I have ever experienced this - I'm just giving an example.

So you might ask... why didn't you measure? WE DID...the husband and I both measured, but what we did not account for was getting past the window sill and the cabinet top---I know it's hard to picture but rest assured IT DID NOT FIT

So there it is... the story of my life. I am SOOO Pissed!... Yet oddly still turned on?!??!!?

What Happened? & Sexy Appliances

2007-06-14T08:19:00.000-05:00

Is today really the first day of the rest of my life or is it just the last day of my old life? As each day goes buy I find myself feeling older and older. Today is a perfect example. Today is the first last day of school for my six year old. She just finished kindergarten and she is truly excited that it's the last day of school and she gets to sleep late tomorrow and start summer camp next week. She talked to my husband and I about it last night at length, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

I said to my husband "I really miss the last day of school." I remember each last day as if it were yesterday. The plans I would make for the summer. Skipping home from school like I had just been released from prison. Knowing that I could spend the next day hanging out at the pool and there would be no test and no homework. The feeling of freedom when I got up the next morning. Damn I miss those summers. It's enought to make me consider changing professions and becoming a teacher just to have the summer off. But then I remember that I really don't like other people's children (my godchildren excluded of course).

So where did the time go. How did I get to be this 34 year old stick in the mud who has to set bed times, check homework and remind (nag) the husband to take the garbage out and cut the grass. My aging is bringing me down. Yesterday I bought all new appliances for my kitchen. I was so excited it was almost sexual. I had a cigarette as I basked in the afterglow of my purchase. The new flat top electric stove, double door refrigerator and digital display dishwasher are so sexy. They will be delivered tomorrow, and I am thinking about finding a sitter for my daughter so that I can be alone with them when they arrive.

Since when are applicances exciting. There was a time when I would have taken that money and blown it on a new wardrobe of tight, slinky, short clothes or I would have hopped on a plane and gone to the Bahamas but all I could think about was the new appliances. When did my life become so mundane. The only thing that makes it better is knowing that my sister has it worse then me. She recently bought a new refrigerator and stunned the salesman by hugging it before she left the store to wait for it to be delivered. I will NOT hug the new appliances - - but I might give them head!

Better to Have Loved and Lost...

2007-05-09T08:35:00.000-05:00

I decided today that this is a STUPID quote and whoever wrote it is an ass. This quote is obviously in reference to being in love. But for some reason it came to mind this morning. I have experienced a horrible week and a terrible loss.

For the 1.5 people that read my blog, I recently posted that I was surprised to find myself pregnant. While I was shocked, I was also excited, yet very nervous. Well last week I found myself no longer pregnant. After 11 weeks of pregnancy and having seen the heart beat of this child to be, there was no longer one there.

It hurt. I hurt. The actual miscarriage was very painful. The D and C afterward was even more painful. But mentally I felt okay. I said to myself that it wasn't meant to be. That this was God's way of telling me that this wasn't a healthy pregnancy. That we couldn't afford a baby anyway. I spent 3 days telling myself these "truths" which were really lies that I was telling myself so that I would feel better.

It took about 3 days for my mind to catch up with my body. All of the sudden I could not stop thinking about it and it seemed that every where I looked there were babies and pregnant women. On TV, at the mall, in the street. I even had a cousin call to tell me that his wife was expecting twins and they just found out the sex (a boy and a girl). I told him how happy I was for him (and I am) but on the inside I was screaming WHY ME???? WHY WHY WHY??? Why the fuck do I deserve this? I did not get an answer. I suppose because there is no answer. I just have to suck it up and move on.

I had not told many people. Ironically we were planning to tell people this week as I would have been starting the second trimester (at which point the risk of miscarriage is drastically reduced). I am really glad that we did not tell the kid. She wants to be a big sister. Actually she really wants a twin sister and I have tried to tell her that ship has sailed but she still has hope. She would have been heartbroken, and right now her little smile is the only thing I can hold on to.

The husband's reaction was surprising. He was upset, and tried to be comforting, but the bottom line is that he wants to try again - not that we were trying the first time. I don't know if I can. It's certainly too soon to try again, especially since the last words of the recovery room nurse were "nothing and no one goes in there for six weeks." For some reason when she said this I laughed hysterically - it was probably the anesthesia.

Yesterday I felt like I could move on. Today I am not so sure. Let's see what tomorrow brings and in the mean time I will try to sleep in the bed I made.

Tag... You're It!

2007-04-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Lex...I think it was just to force me to do a current post!

Alphabet Scoop Meme~courtesy of Macarena

Available or single: Newlywed

Best friend: L and A – they know who they are

Cake or pie: Cake – preferable with chocolate icing

Drink of choice: Kahlua and half and half – could there BE anymore calories????

Essential item: lip liner

Favorite color: Blue

Gummi Bears or Worms: YUCK!!!

Hometown: Washington, DC.

Indulgence: Amazon.com

January or February: February – It’s my birth month

Kids: 1 and three ninths

Life is incomplete without: Mind Blowing Sex

Marriage date: October 29th

Number of siblings: One

Oranges or apples: Oranges

Phobias/fears: Bugs of any kind, being alone in the dark

Quote, favorite: If you always do what you’ve always done, then you will always get what you always got.

Reasons to smile: The kid…she makes me warm and fuzzy even on my worst days.

Season: Spring

Tag three: I don’t think anyone reads me regularly but here goes… Mist, Crankster, Spoon.

Unknown fact about me: I cannot whistle

Vegetarian or oppressor of animals: Carnivore

Worst habit: Snorting when I laugh really hard

X-rays or ultrasounds: Ultrasounds… nothing like that heartbeat to make you glad you gave up drinking!

Your favorite foods: Anything I did not have to cook.

Zodiac: Aquarius

Kid's Say the Darndest Things

2007-03-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

I think I love my daughter...

She is more like me than I ever could have imagined which is a really bitter pill to swallow. Lately she's become obsessed with my weight. Being a plus sized woman I would not say that I obsess about it, I just think about it all the time. I also find that she tries to use it against me.

We sat together the other night eating girl scout cookies. I know I should not buy them, but there they were (the girl scout cult) outside of the grocery store accosting people like drug pushers..."We got thin mints lady, c'mon you know you want some...how about a few trefoil chasers... c'mon a lady your size...you know you want them" I bought 18 boxes... not really just 3.

So there we were eating girl scout cookies and I told her that she'd had enough and then I popped another in my mouth. She was really pissed that I would not let her eat anymore and so she says to me " Mommy, if you keep eating those cookies you are going to get soooooooo biiiiiiig"

I will admit that my feelings were hurt. So I did what any woman would do--I finished the box! It was almost as bad as the time she said to me "Mommy when are you going to stop eating sweets so you can go back to your regular size." I informed her that this IS my regular size and that hosting a parasite in my body for 9 months was part of the problem (okay 7 months - I am lazy and she was a preemie)

I think my favorite thing that she has said so far was to my mother. She spent the weekend with my mom a while back and after my mom bathed her she said "Grandma I will help you take a bath too, but I am NOT washing your vagina!"

How can you not love this kid!

The Rabbit Died

2007-03-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

I always wondered what a rabbit had to do with pregnancy. I think I was maybe 20 before I found out that they used to perform a test using the appendix of a rabbit to determine if a woman was pregnant. I cannot assure you of the validity of this information as I believe I learned this little tidbit on an episode of MASH. You know the one... Hot Lips thinks she's pregnant by Lt Col Penobscott so they need the appendix of Radar's pet rabbit and Hawkeye performs an appendectomy on the rabbit so they won't have to kill it.... Anyway, it sure makes me grateful for the whole pee on a stick thing.

I peed on a stick yesterday. Two pink lines showed up. So I dragged my six year old to the grocery store in the pouring rain and bought two new sticks. I peed on the first one. Two pink lines showed up. I paced the room for about 45 minutes before my husband got home. I told him about the sticks. He smiled and laughed. I went to the bathroom and peed on the second new stick. Two pink lines showed up. Did you know that frequent urination is a sign of pregnancy? Apparently another sign is three positive pregnancy tests. I learned this yesterday.

Bumbling Biden

2007-02-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

There is no way in hell this guy can win. He clearly has diarrhea of the mouth. You would think he would have learned his lesson from the way his last campaign ended!

President Obama?

2007-01-30T22:34:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentleman,

I am about to embark upon a treacherous journey to a place where many others have journeyed before me.... that's right... a post about politics!

I have voted in 2 presidential elections. I am old enough to have voted in four, but who's counting. When I turned 18, I was more excited about getting into nightclubs than I was about being able to vote. The first election that I was able to vote in was for Clinton's first term. I had not planned to vote that day. I thought about it all day at work but on the way home, I decided that I was too tired to stand in line at the polls. Fate was at work that day. I was on the subway on my way home when who should I run into? My dad. I asked him where he was headed and he said he was on his way to the polls to vote and implored me to come with him (actually he gave a rather amusing lecture about wasting my rights). So off I went to stand in line at the polls with my dad. Those of you who read my recent post about my Dad are probably not surprised. What can I say--I love that guy!!

The second election in which I was able to vote was Bill Clinton's second term. I figured there was no way Dole could beat him so why should I waste my precious time? I was young--sue me! The third was Gore verses....who was it again? Oh Yeah!!! BUSH!! again I did not vote. Not because I thought that one was more likely to win than the other, I really just didn't care. HELLOOOO SUE ME---STILL YOUNG! I will say that's one were I am REAAALLLY sorry that I did not vote.

The fourth election in which I was able to vote was Bush verses Lurch---I mean Kerry. While I had a strong dislike for Bush, I was not really excited about Kerry, but I thought it was time for the unknown evil. The driving factor or me voting this time around was the fact that I was now a parent and I felt that it was important for my daughter to see me take an active role in determining the future of our country. So she and I went together and I even let her wear the "I Voted" sticker.

So here we are approaching the 5th election in which I am able to vote. Still close to two years out, but I'm kind of excited. I think the republicans don't stand a chance in hell, but I feel strongly enough about the potential democratic candidates that I am thinking about my vote all the time. U.S. Senator Barack Obama announced his development of a presidential exploratory committee which basically means he going to try to catch the golden snitch of the presidency (I know--too much Harry Potter does this to me!)

At this point we have two front runners on the Democratic side, Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. The prospect of a Democratic candidate who might either be black or a woman is VERY exciting to me. When the subject of Clinton and Obama first started coming up in the news I felt conflicted. As a black woman, where do my loyalties lie? Is this even about loyalties? HELL NO! It's about politics - which is about loyalties by the way. And as sexist as this may sound, I think Americans are more ready for a Black man to run our country than they are for a woman of any color. After all she could get PMS and start a war... in a country... that has done nothing to us!

One of the things that I've heard over the years that I buy into is the effect of the invent of television on politics. Now that we can SEE the potential candidates, how much does their appearance affect the vote? I think a lot. We can see them, hear them and get a broad sense of their personalities. From this we make a decision on who is more likable. Then we throw in their actual stance on political issues to sure up our case for them.

My opinion is that Clinton is just not likable! She comes off to me as cold and power hungry. Many people think she was running the White House when Bill was the president. So does this mean that theoretically she has had her term and should not be eligible to run? And then there's the fact that she stayed with him after he not only cheated on her but lied about it and then humiliated her for all the world to see by announcing his indiscretion on national television. What a fool! Now as an American I feel that the President of our country deserves a blow any time he wants one. The idea is NOT TO GET CAUGHT. So where was Hilary when he needed this blow? Can you say Health Care Reform (WHO?? What's that?? -- EXACTLY!!). In the interest of full disclosure if it came down to Clinton and a republican who intends to "Stay the course" in Iraq, she will definitely get my vote.

Obama on the other hand is a fresh face. He doesn't seem to have the political and personal baggage that Clinton has. His lack of longstanding political experience is what makes him attractive to me as a candidate. He brings the potential of new ideas, new plans, bipartisan relationships and spring and flowers and sunshine and rainbows! (singing..Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kitten...) okay I lost it for a minute, but I'm back.

He has a new plan for withdrawing troops from Iraq that does not include withholding additional funding for the troops that are already there. My opinion on the war in Iraq is that it never should have started, but now that we are there, we have to support our men and women who were brave enough to serve. We need to bring the war to a close and safely bring home our people. How do we do that? I have no idea which is why I am not running for president, but feel free to send your donation to the Let's Pretend I'm Not Gonna Be President Exploratory Committee.

I will be following this race closely and I WILL vote. This time I will vote because I feel that I have more of a vested interest in the outcome--not because of trying to do the right thing with a family member. I will be following the candidates positions on the major issues - in particular the war. I have a family member serving in Iraq and a close friend serving in Afghanistan and I am praying for the safe return of both.

I think we are gearing up for a heated election period and I am very excited about the outcome. My crazy opinions be damned, I encourage each to you to have your say and vote in the 2008 presidential election. I'll see you at the polls!

Virginity - BE GONE!

2007-01-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my husband came home from work in quite a state. Instead of greeting me with a kiss and a "How was your day?" I got a very curt "Fix me a drink please". So I'm thinking, Wow he must have had a really bad day at work. Being the "doting wife" that I am (stop laughing those of you that know me personally) I asked him what was wrong. He tells me that he got a phone call from his Ex that their daughter was no longer a virgin! GASP!!! - the world stops spinning, birds become flightless and life as we know it is coming to an end!

My stepdaughter is almost 16 years old and this is not 1952, so I assumed that this event was on the horizon. My husband is heartbroken and looks as if someone just kicked him in the nuts. So I asked the requisite when and where and how does her mom feel about it. We discussed it for at least an hour and he is just sitting there looking defeated and almost like he wanted to cry.

I know how men feel about their daughters especially when it comes to their daughters and sex. The bottom line is that if they really want to do it, there is nothing we can do to stop them. But we to have to arm them with all the information we can and hope that they wait. Realistically, kids today are bombarded with sexual images all day everyday from the revealing clothes kids wear to music videos, television, movies, magazines... you name it and in today's world there is some sexual content to it. While there may be some kids who will abstain, the majority of them will not, and the safest assumption for parents is that their kid will be one of the kids that will not.

What do you do about? Well, being the parent of a 6 year old, I already have my plan laid out. She can stay in after care until she is 12. When she starts middle school - in six years - I already have an agreement in place with my boss that I can take my lunch hour at 2pm, pick her up from school and bring her back to work with me until it's time to go home. We will continue this agreement until she finishes high school. There will be no dating, concerts, sleep overs or any activities other than school that allow her to be out of my sight for longer than 2.5 minutes. Once she goes to college the plan becomes a little tricky. I currently have in development a Vagina tracking system complete with chastity belt and an alarm system that includes sharp needles should there be any unauthorized entry. You can get in on this now parents of girls...it will work! I know it will!!

In reality, even if all of my plans worked out, she will still have sex before I think she is ready. The only thing I can do is be as honest and informative as possible and create an environment where she feels comfortable discussing anything with me. My parents were very open and honest with me about their thoughts on sex and when I decided I was ready to be on the pill my mother took me to get it. When I was 17, my parents went off on an overnight trip and my father laid down the law to me and my boyfriend about him not being there while they were not home. His final words to my boyfriend were "Don't make anything in here that you can't eat" In the interest of protecting my spotless reputation (HA HA HA) I won't discuss what went on while they were gone - but we didn't do a whole lot of cooking!

I have known my stepdaughter since she was 5 years old, and we have a good relationship. So asked my husband if he wanted me to talk to her and he said that I should, but that he would talk to her first. So what should I say?? THE TRUTH. Sex is good when it's between two responsible adults who love and respect each other (I will leave out the part about picking up hot guys at the club for a one night stand - with protection of course) But I think that my conversation with her will have a lot more to do with the consequences of sex rather than the actual act.

Yes she needs to know about unplanned pregnancies, and STDs but I want her to know about how it can impact her future. I want her to know how being irresponsible about sex now could make the difference between going to college and a career flipping burgers. I want her to know about the emotional impact of sex. That there are guys out there who will say anything to get you in bed and that a marriage proposal or declaration of love during the act is often meaningless once the deed is done. So, parents of teenage girls, I invite you to share with me your thoughts on talking to teenagers about sex.

Daddy's Little Girl

2007-01-25T14:06:00.000-05:00

We are approaching the first anniversary of the death of the most important man in my life. My father. In the past 3 weeks, I have relived every moment from 12 months ago - from the day we found out that he had cancer (January 17th 2006) through the day he died (February 6th 2006) 2 days after his 55th birthday and 6 days before my 33rd birthday. It was the worst 3 weeks of my life. There is nothing more horrible than watching the man who took care of you, taught you to swim, consoled you when you were sad, dried your tears, and gave you piggy back rides, lay in bed and slowly, painfully die.

My father was not a perfect man. In fact he had many imperfections, but he was there. During his memorial service I pulled myself together long enough to say a few words, because I needed people to know what a good father he was. He was always home. He was hilarious. Every time I saw him he would say to me "Do you know your Daddy loves you". His family came first. He believed in his daughters and he raised them to be strong black women.

He loved his grandchildren. My daughter was born two months premature and had to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks before they let her come home. He was there with me every day visiting her. He would sing to her every day. He loved taking my nephews to the Redskins Fan Day. He would pick out little girly gifts for my daughter - play shoes, purses, sunglasses, jewelry. He took his role as Granddaddy very seriously!

When I was 17 he taught me how to drive - on the interstate! I would have preferred side streets, but still he taught me. He took me to the beach and let the waves knock me down, but he never let go of my hand. He took my sister and me to the toy store at the start of each summer and let us pick out water guns. He would get one too and any time my mother left the house the water gun fight was on!

When I was 14 he told me that men only wanted one thing from women and when I asked him if that was all he wanted from mom when he met her, he answered honestly - YES! He told me stories about his life. He told me to go to college if I wanted to be successful. He told me I should be a writer. He told me that we should write a book together. And right before he died he told me that he loved me, that I was a good daughter and that he was proud to be my father.

I am married now. He was not there to give me away. But he left his two best friends for me. Two men who have known him since childhood and have known me since I was conceived. One of them is my godfather, the other is too, but doesn't hold the official title. One walked me down the aisle and told me jokes along the way to make sure I was smiling in my wedding pictures. The other did the father/daughter dance with me and promised me he would not cry because my father would have been proud. He told me to smile because I looked beautiful and my father could see me.

I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I am not an easy woman to live with, but he puts up with all my craziness and loves me anyway. But in the back of my mind I know that no man could ever love me the way my father did. No man could ever give me that feeling that I would get when I saw my Daddy. I felt like I was 5 years old whenever I saw him. I remember when we were kids and he would come home from work my mother, sister and I would all run to the door shouting "Daddy's home!! Daddy's home" and he would kiss my mother and then my sister and I would sit on his feet and he would walk us around the house until his legs hurt. I miss that, and somehow I don't think my husband would let me do it (smile).

There were times when I was angry with him and through my later teenage years, I went beyond anger to disrespectful. I thought that I hated him. But as I became a woman and realized that no one is perfect - not even Daddy, I let go of the anger and I grew to love him even more. Knowing that he would always be there was comforting. Knowing that he was the type of father who could talk me through my tears and my fears as a young woman was phenomenal. I miss him terribly and my life will never be the same. I want to talk to him again- sometimes I do... Daddy if you are listening I just want to say...

"Do you know your daughter loves you!"

The People Under the Stairs

2007-01-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

Everyone has relatives that they wish they could forget. I seem to have an obscene number of them. Particularly ALL of my first cousins on BOTH sides of the family. They run the gamut from ignorant to broke to ghetto to ...well you get the picture. I find myself stalking my caller ID in fear that they will call and want to come over. The phone rings... I debate even looking... OH MY GOD it's them!! Do I answer? No--I don't want to deal with them today. But wait! if I don't answer they might just stop by. OH WHY ME?? WHY ME??

I answer the phone--they are an inevitable evil. They want to come by this weekend. I have no choice but to say yes since I put them off for the last 2 weekends. Then comes the hard part--I have to tell my husband that they are coming. He looks at me with disdain, gives a heavy sigh and says okay fine... I'll be hiding in the bedroom.

Now I love my cousins. They are my family. We grew up together and they have been there to help me every time I have moved. Now that might not seem like much, but I have moved 15 times in the past 14 years. Granted I always pay them, but I was starting to get on my own nerves with all of the moving.

But they are an interesting group...

Cousin A
Blames everyone in the family for his inability to function in the world. i.e.: keep a job, get off probation--you know, standard stuff. But his girlfriend is great. She is smart and responsible and they have two great kids.

Cousin B
Had been the only one on this side of the family without kids. Recently hooked up with a baby making machine 10 years younger than him who can barely speak standard english--I won't even get into the writing like a 6 year old. This girl is 20 years old with three kids by three different guys! The latest kid is my cousins child (so we've heard) and she is a beautiful girl. I loved the name they picked for her (which will not be disclosed to keep their anonymity) at least until I saw how they spelled it. let's just say it's the equivalent of spelling Nicole like this NMIKHOL. That poor child will never get a job that doesn't involve a pole or a spatula. As for her mother, I cannot stand this girl! She comes to my house always wearing clothes that are clearly for a person 50 pounds lighter than her with her hair looking like the back of a sheep's ass. I know you just had a baby but give me a freaking break. Just hearing her talk makes my skin crawl. I refuse to utter her name so I have grown accustomed to referring to her as "that girl".

Cousin C
Is a beautiful girl who is really sweet, but life has been hard on her. She cares nothing about her appearance and is content to walk around wearing grease stained work uniforms - even on her days off. Cousins A and B are her brothers. Their parents both died in 1999 in separate incidents - one in February and the other in October. She is truly lost without her mother. My mother, sister and I have done our best to try to steer her in the right direction but trying to have a conversation with her is like trying to reason with a 3 year old. Both my mother and I have taken her in on separate occasions to give her a chance to get herself together, but it's a lost cause. She has a beautiful 9 year old daughter who has lived with her father for the past year as Cousin A's career choice is the drive through cashier for a fast food restaurant and she cannot afford to take care of the child. Now one might think that had she asked the father for child support or perhaps applied for section 8 so that she would have her own place instead of sleeping on Cousin B's couch, that she might have been able to keep her child with her-- but that's too much like right. She has a boyfriend who is a pretty nice guy--once you get past the weed smoking, cursing, and bench warrants. But he is indeed a BOY. 8 years younger then her, barely out of high school, still living with his mom with not a care in the world--except borrowing money from her to buy weed.

My sister, who has the great benefit of NOT LIVING IN THE COUNTRY has lovingly dubbed the three The People Under the Stairs The thing that cracks me up about them is their need to catch me alone so that they can complain about one another- like their own shit doesn't stink! I will say this about them, I am the black sheep between my sister and I, but they make me look GOOD.

So the weekend comes and now I have to figure out what I am going to feed them. Instead of my family of three, I now have to whip up a meal (and provide beer) for 12 people. And there had better be leftovers, because I know the only reason they are coming to my house is because they don't have any food at home and they really want to watch cable! So I do my whole Martha Stewart bit, provide a great meal a few drinks and Tupperware for them to take the leftovers home. My husband hides in the bedroom until all the cooking is done and then comes down to play the sociable host with them while slipping me dirty looks.

It's a trying day. They have gotten on my last nerve with all of the ghetto talk and the running in and out of the house to smoke cigarettes. Not to mention the arguing back and forth over stuff like who's a better rapper 50 Cent or Tupac (and other vital social issues). Cousin C proceeds to cornrow her daughter's hair on my beige couch. I bring her a towel and she looks offended. I tell her the couch is damn near white and I would like for it to stay that way so either use the towel or go in the basement. The night is long and I have a raging headache. So I send them on their merry way with dinner for tomorrow night, a few leftover beers (lest they should remember there were some left and try to come back for them) and a gift card for the grocery store - which buys me at least 2 weeks before they try to come back.

I love my relatives--really I do, but I am not trying to sleep in the bed that they made!

All I want for Christmas...

2007-01-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

I know it's well past the holidays, but I have been in a whirl wind of activity since Christmas. Christmas was a blur of ups and downs. My daughter got way too much stuff as usual. Christmas morning was nice. My daughter enjoyed all of her presents and my stepdaughter decided early Christmas morning that she needed to go home. Conveniently this thought occurred to her after she had opened her presents from us, and I think may have come from the fact that she now wanted to see what her mom got her.

We move on to the lovely family time. My husband and I had agreed to have dinner with my mom at my grandmother's house and then go see his parents. Well we did not leave the house until after 4pm which put us at his mom's house at around 7:30. Well apparently he never told his mom that we were going to my grandmother's first because the whole time we were there all we got from her were little digs about how she spent the whole day cooking and now everything was cold because we took too long to get there -- I mean 3 hours of this!!

This left my husband in a really foul mood so I never got what I really wanted for Christmas which was a little Mommy and Daddy time under the tree after the kid went to bed. Instead I stayed up all night fuming and playing the Sims I love that game--it never disappoints and when bad things happen you can always start the game over. It's the perfect game for people like me who live in a world of Let's Pretend...Worst Case Scenario.

It dawned on me the day after Christmas (after I made up with my husband)that we go through this every year. His mother ruins my Christmas EVERY YEAR....okay I know it's not fair to blame her, but what are in laws for if not to take the blame. So here's my first resolution for 2007... Next Christmas we will be going to her house first! I prefer MY mom's cooking, but one must make sacrifices for a little nookie under the tree!!

Let's Pretend

2006-12-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today I am going to tell you about my screen name "Lets Pretend" It derives from a game I like to play called Lets Pretend - Worst Case Scenario.

My sister insists that I never want to live in reality. I do not agree. It's just that I can never seem to "live for the moment". It's something I am working on. I like to think ahead... Let's pretend that I won the lottery and I have $100 million dollars (56 million after taxes.) What would I do. Who would I help..." And there's the other end... "The worst case scenario would be if my stepdaughter got pregnant and moved in with us and I end up raising the baby while she talks on her cell phone to her friends and gets ice cream stains on my couch." Could these things possibly happen? Yes they could. Will they actually happen? Probably not!

When I am feeling a little down I play Let's Pretend... I am at the Food Lion and I run into Will Smith and we discover that we both have a love for Wild Vines Green Apple Wine (the cheapest rot gut in the store). He is amazed by how much we have in common and falls madly in love with me -- He can't believe that he has lived his life without me for all these years. He carries me in his arms to his mansion where he massages my feet and feeds me Hershey bars all day. MMMMMM ... I think I need a cigarette.

Then there are days that I worry that I am too happy so something bad is bound to happen like... worst case scenario... My boss discovers that I am NOT really the great employee that he thought I was because all I do is surf the net reading blogs all day (and writing my own) so he fires me. When my husband finds out I have no job, he leaves me and takes custody of our daughter. I lose my house and end up living with my mother who berates me all day for being the disappointing lump she always knew I would be. After I lose my health insurance (because I was too stupid to COBRA) I find out that I have lung cancer and I only have six months to live. At which point I run into Will Smith at the Food Lion who looks at me distastefully, hands me 20 bucks and tells me that there is a shelter just down the street where I can get a bath and a hot meal.

Will these things happen? Probably not. But I like to be prepared. It's a sick sick fetish I know. But it's just me...trying to sleep in the bed I made.

What Kind of Reindeer Are You??

2006-12-19T22:14:00.001-05:00

You Are Cupid

A total romantic, you're always crushing on a new reindeer.

Why You're Naughty: You've caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren't speaking to each other.

Why You're Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Overcompensating??

2006-12-18T09:10:00.000-05:00

Last January I resolved that I would not over do it this christmas. I have one child at home and a stepchild that does not live with us. Typically we give my stepdaughter money and gift cards. She's 15 and at that age where anything we pick would be met with polite, badly disguised, disdain at our total "uncoolness". I usually start my Christmas shopping in October. I'm big on Amazon shopping because I have faced the fact that I don't event get time alone to use the bathroom let alone spend a leisurely hour alone at the mall. So Amazon it is!

Last Christmas I did my normal Amazon spree and a few days before Christmas I had an unheard of 2 hours alone in the house so I decided it would be a good time to wrap presents. I began pulling the boxes out of not one, not two, but the three closets I had stuffed them in. After I had everything out, I surveyed the damage and realized that I had completely lost my mind. What 5 year old needs this much crap?? My living room was a sea of books, barbies, crayons, coloring books, barbie clothes, not to mention Barbie's Personal PT Cruiser.... you get the idea. I had to take 3 pictures of the Christmas tree just to capture all of the stuff, and to remind myself not to do it again.

So yesterday I got my annual 2 hours alone in the house so I decide to get some presents wrapped. And while I did manage to narrow it down to one closet this year, it's a much bigger closet, I have a huge box in the trunk of my best friend's car and I am expecting another box sometime this week. And yes, once again I totally over did it. This year Barbie is no longer in--It's all about the BRATZ. I am sure you have seen these Barbie whores with the pouty lips and lip liner and the short skirts, and tight t-shirts and the "come f### me" pumps. And the fact that their feet come off is just DISTURBING! I have tried to resist buying them for the last 2 years but she just loves these dolls it's all she talks about...so this year bought them. In my weak defense, I would like to point out that the first two Bratz actually came from her grandmother.

I am beginning to wonder if there is a deeper meaning behind this lack of control. I am a working mom, so Monday through Friday my child is in the care of others from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. Once we get home, it's dinner, homework, bath, and hair - not necessarily in that order. So while we do have some mommy and me time, it's not of the quality or quantity that I had imagined myself giving when being a mom was "just an idea in my head". Am I buying her things to make up for the time we don't get to spend together? Am I trying to buy away my guilt?

Or is it even more deep seated. We were really poor growing up and while we always received Christmas presents, it was usually only one or two things and hardly ever what we had actually asked for. As an adult I realize that the one or two presents that we got were a struggle for my parents, and so I truly appreciate them, but am I trying to make up for what I missed by spoiling my daughter rotten?

It's been really hard for me to strike the balance between providing and spoiling. I want my daughter to have not only everything she wants, but also everything I wanted when I was her age and I know that I am creating a monster. At this rate, she will be driving a porshe for her 16th birthday! NOT!

So the answer is - no more Amazon. Next year I am not doing any christmas shopping until December and I will do it all at once, in a mall like normal people! This year...I'm just going to try and sleep in the bed I made.

Why I Hate The Principal

2006-12-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

My daughter started kindergarten this year and I have already had to go up to the school several times. I know they are tired of me already. She was not getting along with a little girl in her class, and I met with her teacher about it. The teacher told me that the other little girl had a very strong personality and that she would keep her eye on them.

Well not 3 weeks later, this little girl scratched my child in her face so bad that I think it will probably leave a permanent scar. So I came to the school and asked to meet with the prinicpal who made me wait 15 minutes while she littreally shuffled papers in her office -- I know this because I could see her. She knew I was angry and I guess she called herslef buying some time for me to calm down--but it wasn't like I came to whip her ass (my husband had talked me out of that the night before) Then she finally calls me into her office at which point I explain the situation to her.

So there I was with my two page letter about how badly they had handled this situation especially when I had warned them about it, in addition, I included pictures of her face, a copy of the State of Maryland Public Schools code of ethics, documents from the U.S. Department of ED on bullying and harassing, documents from the Department of Justice on violence among girls and my formal complaint to Maryland Public Schools for violent and bullying behavior. Needless to say I was in full protective Mommy mode.

The principal tells me that she was not aware of the situation and she would get back to me that afternoon, she kind of brushed me off like she did not have time and I was over reacting. That was at 7:15 in the morning. By 9:00am I had received 5 phone calls from the school, the nurse, the assistant principal (twice) and the principal (twice). The first call came from the assistant principal at 8:00am - -I think after they read my letter and by documentation they realized that they were not dealing with one of those chicken head mamas and they needed to get their act together.

So the principal asked me if it would be "convenient" for me to come the next morning to meet with the other child's parents and I said fine. We all meet the next morning and the other parents say almost nothing. The mom is just sitting there looking pissed with her arms crossed. While I am quoting statistics on school violence, bullying and admonishing the principal for the way it was handled. I told her I should not have to teach my child to fight because you are not doing your job and I should not have to change the way I am trying to raise my child because of inaction on her part - in those exact words.

I stated in my letter that if they did not handle this appropriately that I would be filing a complaint with the school board and the county commissioner's office. So when she asked us during the meeting how we should resolve the situation - and I believe she meant this as rhetorical question that she planned to answer herself - I immediately stated "The girls need to be in separate classrooms and my child should not be moved because she was the one assaulted while under your care and she was not the aggressor in this situation"

So the other mom is just GLARING at me but still not saying much. And then the principal asked me to leave the room so that they could discuss disciplinary action for the other child. So I waited outside and in the end they put the other girl in another class. But I know that they probably have my picture on the wall up at the school saying RUN IF YOU SEE HER ASS COMING!

They just did not realize who they were dealing with, but I bet they do now!! The thing that I really hated about the principal was that she really came off as one of those people that wants to appear smarter than they really are. For example she spoke very slowly and deliberately as if we, the parents, were children she was trying to control. Now I had already decided that I did not like her because of the way she brushed me off until she read my letter and felt threatened. But to top it off during our meeting she kept saying "pacifically" instead of "specifically" and it was driving me insane!! Did she mean by the ocean--realated to the ocean?? WHAT??

She also spent a great deal of time blaming the teacher and the school nurse both of whom were new to the school and went as far as admonishing the teacher in front of us and then telling us that it was her first year as a teacher - which to me was both uneccessary and demeaning to the teacher (who is actually a really good teacher.)

The thing is that I just moved to this neighborhood and I checked out this school prior to enrolling my child and it seefairlyke a farily decent school and now I am feeling really disappointed. I am thinking about having my car reposessed so that I can afford to pay for private school next year but I guess for now I will just try to sleep in the bed I made.

Christmas Cheer

2006-12-14T16:39:00.000-05:00

I seem to be all out of Christmas cheer. Yesterday my husband and I attended our 6 year old's first school Christmas program. OMG I have never been so bored in my life. It was hot as hell in there. More than half the parents arrived late creating the need for them climbing through the rows of those oh so comfortable metal folding chairs to find an available seat. And did I mention that all the kids were supposed to wear black bottoms and white tops or "other christmas attire"?? So WHY--oh please tell me WHY-- there were kids in everything from jeans and t-shirts to EVENING DRESSES!!! I almost fell off my chair when the third grader paraded in wearing what could only be described a a ball gown only suitable for flamenco dancing!

So first the principal (whom I hate!! You will hear about this in another post) gives her little speech which takes about 15 minutes and all she said was "the kids worked hard and happy holidays" Then the Pre-K children sing their 2 little songs which I admit was quite cute. Then it takes them about 15 minutes to get the Kindergarten classes up--now this is the one we have been waiting for. My precious little darling in all her infinite talents was so busy waving at me and Daddy that she could barely sing the words... But still quite adorable. At this point they have run out of chairs so people are just standing in the aisles blocking everyone's view of the stage etc. So after the kindergarten class comes the first and second graders... At this point the microphones start giving feedback and rather than turning the damn things off (after all there are 50 kids singing damn it WE CAN HEAR THEM) they try to fix them. So for the 15-20 minutes while these poor kids tried to sing their 3 little songs the audience (and the kids on stage) are covering their ears because of the feedback. Then oh joy... Here come the 3rd graders... At this point I looked at my husband and said "You grab the kid. I am going to get the car!"

I'm not a bad parent--really I'm not but I mean really! I have 12 more years of this crap to suffer through. How the hell did my parents mange to get through it with not one kid but two. I think I should call them to apologize. My mom is getting a huge present for Christmas. I hope I find my cheer before the 25th but right now I am just trying to sleep in the bed I made.

TAKE OUT THE FREAKING GARBAGE!!

2006-12-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

I have been contemplating starting a blog for a while now. I've been a lurker of other blogs for awhile and I wonder if I will have interesting things to say.

It seems like I think most about starting a blog when I am pissed off at my husband. So like every day!

Here's today's gripe. I work all day, come home, fix dinner, do homework with the kid, a load of laundry maybe. He comes home has a beer, a hot meal, and watches TV until bedtime. What's wrong with this picture. You know tomorrow is trash day. I know tomorrow is trash day. Why is it that the trash does not go out until I start bitching about it? And then you want to come back in the house and have an attitude with me for nagging. What the hell?!?!?!

Am I nagging when dinner is hot on the stove when you get home? Am I nagging when you always find a clean towel and wash cloth in the bathroom when you want to shower? Am I nagging when ...okay you get the point.

Okay, so I married him....was he like this before I married him? YES! Did I think things would change when we got married? Not really?? So why did I marry him? Today I really don't know..it seemed like a good idea at the time. Right now I am just trying to sleep in the bed I made.

One Thing at a Time

2006-09-13T17:12:00.000-05:00

I decided that I need to deal with my life changes one at a time. The first thing to change was my job. While I like parts of me old job, I could see that the company was losing it's edge and was about to take a turn for the worse. My old boss tried to convince me to stay, and I was tempted, but decided that a change was just what I needed. Soon after I made the change they started laying people off and I am certain that I would have been on that list since they no longer had my line of business.

The new job has been great. I love my new boss and I certainly feel appreciated. It has it's stressful moment as with any job, but I feel like I am much more in control of my professional direction and I feel that I have the support I need to take myself to the next level--whatever that is. It's nice to work for someone who respects your opinion and looks to you for advice, but as they say be careful what you wish for - - it's a lot of pressure.

I think I want my next move to be running my own business and I definitely think I am on my way to developing the skill set needed for that but in the back of my mind I am thinking "Why the hell do you want to own a business?" Do I really want to be responsible for someone else's paycheck. Am I prepared to put the business before all else. I want to say yes, but I look at my child and know that the answer is no. So what to do?

I always thought I would be superwoman and have it all. Exciting career, well adjusted children, beautiful house with a white picket fence, perfect husband. Do people really have all of these things? I can honestly say I don't know anyone that has them all. Am I looking for something that can't possibly be had?

I am a good mother. My child is well taken care of, fairly intelligent, definitely loved, but spoiled rotten. I am a good employee, I work hard, meet all of my deadlines, I even work on the weekend when it's neccesary, but there are days when I spend my time surfing the net because I just can't focus on the work to be done. I have a nice house that I am grateful for, but no picket fence and it needs some work. I have mate, but I am still undecided on our fate. I realize that he is not perfect, and neither am I, but I can't help but wonder if I could do better, if he could do better, if we would be happier apart. I don't know yet but for now I am just trying to sleep in the bed I made.